I was adamant about not celebrating my birthday in a big way this year. I was feeling very reclusive and didn't want a ton of attention or the pressure of hosting a party. What I did want was some quality time with a few loved ones, and to bake a cake together. I was trying a new dietary regimen for the sake of my health, avoiding gluten, sugar, and dairy. It seemed exciting to try to bake a cake that met these needs, while enjoying the act of baking itself with some of my besties.
Well, my birthday was March 13 and let's just say most things were canceled (by me!) before I even registered the loss. I am so grateful for the mini-celebrations I got to have on March 13 and 14, and I also felt the loss of the restaurant dinner + movie-games-cake baking togetherness. In age-old fashion, I didn't know what I was missing until it was gone/unavailable, and I realized I'd taken immense joys for granted. Like New York City's awesome subway system, and the wonderful humans I get to call friends who live in Manhattan, Queens, Jersey and all over Brooklyn too.
As the phenomenon of baking took hold in homes and hearts all over the world during this elongated pandemic, I didn't succumb at first. Sourdough starter?? What is that even? How does one get it, or create it? I am picking up on this pressure to maintain it, keep it alive once you have it! No way, I am not signing up for more responsibility. I can barely feed myself daily meals while working fulltime and trying to clean my house and see my dear pandemic fam and stay rested and sane somehow. Creativity went out the window.
But as time went on, I found my groove with all that is, and my desire for delicious desserts remained alive. I was eating out less (or not at all for some months), but I still wanted the best dessert feeling. I tried a few different desserts, from good bakeries too, but often found them unsatisfying. What I didn't realize then but know now is that the bakeries were still great, but my tastes had changed as my body had changed. I don't enjoy milk chocolate or white sugar as much, and a lot of desserts were based on these foundations. I really love the deep dark chocolate decadence, and N helped me realize delicious dream with our triple chocolate cookies. With her leadership, and little L's excited assistance, we made a batch to drown in.
A transnational birthday tradition my family maintains is that whenever it's someone's birthday, we eat cake on that day, wherever we are. My mom is super next level because she's the ultimate best cook/chef/dessert maker and she bakes or makes something sweet for everyone's birthday. During pandemic, she took it to the next level too. She made barfi cake decorated with fruit for my dad's birthday, and kept doing creative adaptations for each of the birthdays that came by. She loves cheesecake, and also makes a great one.
So for her birthday, I enlisted dear friend A to bake the first cheesecake of my life. It was purely inspired by love for my mama, and how happy her heart would be when she realized it was home-made for her! Cooking/baking someone's favorite things is a way my mom *always* makes us feel loved and special. She knows what is everyone's delight and she delivers each time, with the help of Bahadur the chef of course.
Amazingly, the mini cheesecake cupcakes turned out brilliantly. I kind of couldn't believe we made it at home. I was inspired to make distinct toppings for the 2 flavor profiles here - my mom's favorite (fruity) and mine (dark chocolatey): so berry compote for her and dark chocolate ganache for me. I am not an experienced baker, clearly, and working with an extremely collaborative supportive creative friend helped greatly with my confidence and courage in taking on this big exciting new thing. But how it turned out feels like the magic of pure love. It was all beyond delicious, it's soul-satisfying.
That journey was the start. Next came a dream (literally) of another special birthday cake on August 7, so we made gluten-free chocolate cake from a mix, topped with chocolate buttercream frosting. After I broke the cake (accidentally of course), I glued parts of it back together with....dark chocolate ganache. Incidentally, this gf cake mix was brought by dearie S on my birthday. It was the March 14 dream cake we never baked. So now that dream was complete.
Next came the cake for S's exciting departure from New York (tomorrow!) While wishing her good luck on this adventure and blessings for a bold new life to begin, we had to have some cake. So the next creative challenge came about - a grain-free, dairy-free, sugar-free chocolate cake! with....dark chocolate ganache of course. And voila, I broke it again :)
So what have I learned from all of this?
I need a purpose to bake - a person to direct all the love and blessing and intention towards
As a newbie, I felt a lot more confident baking with other people I trust and love, who support me and my dreams.
Now, I am starting to feel like a toddler at the stage of "I want to do it myself!"
I have had a lot of joy and pleasure in the process of learning/experimenting with new recipes
There's room for mistakes, reflection, repair, re-learning, and doing better next time, concretely.
I am committed to practicing until satisfaction, not perfection.
There is an ease and instinct and confidence that comes with repetition.
I like baking more than I actually like eating desserts these days (but ice-cream is forever). It's truly about the process, not purely the outcome.
Baking/Cooking/creating with my hands feels like using my witchy superpowers to make magical and healing concoctions!
This is a place where I practice and play, and have permission to fail and easily ask for support. All of this makes me wonder - How can I live the rest of my life, and all my big bold creative dreams, in this way?