It’s Diwali season and I’m looking forward to the lights and sweets and chaats, the festive aroma of gathering, and most of all - lighting up firecrackers! This pretty much sums up a lot of my joys, and no I haven’t forgotten about “this moment” we’re living in, which is why it’s all the more necessary to amplify everything that affirms life and loving. This Moment is a dark night of the soul for many. Whatever is present in our lives, or absent, has been pressed into awareness with an intensity that we may not have felt before. We have been stilled, as we watch the world unravel. I have felt the angst of isolation from loved ones far away, while also noticing it is a privilege and blessing to feel that way, when so many are mourning loved ones who have passed away. All the more reason to light some candles, to pray, to gather the loved and living, and to give ourselves some grace.
It is this angle of self-compassion and tenderness toward oneself that I want to shine a light on today.
I read somewhere that we have 68,000+ thoughts every day.And that 95% of them are the same as the previous day.
With that math, it’s obvious why we might want to review and filter the stream of traffic in our minds. We can’t exactly stop thoughts, but we can guide them. We can see that thoughts are things, not us. We are not our thoughts, we have thoughts. Repeated thoughts can create an inner reality and conviction that it’s true and the only reality, disregarding external sensory input or lived experiences that challenge those beliefs. The more we can separate the two, the greater our freedom and expansive sense of the undefined self.
One particular aspect of this thought-repetition I want to focus on is the Inner Critic or Judge. You know it, it’s the voice that judges everything you do, think, or feel. It has nothing positive to say. Both from my personal experience, from talking to friends and family, and through coaching, I’ve gotten to meet many of these Inner Personalities. Those personalities grew out of the same conditions we did - oppression, trauma, and a harsh world where survival strategies are rooted in competition, fear and scarcity. That voice tries to keep us safe by making us small or invisible, or tough and aggressive, and it judges us harshly because it is so afraid of the consequences of us being judged externally. It polices us constantly, because it wants us to be loved/safe/happy. Its strategies are dysfunctional, but it has good intentions. This is hard to believe, but it’s true.
On a deep soul level, we are all highly conscious of our beliefs and behaviors. So we each have the ability to practice facing and witnessing our thought patterns, but fear of the depths can also make us avoid them. However, suppression takes energy too. So what if you could spend the same energy on healing instead? What if you could cultivate an Inner Cheerleader that guides your freedom, boldness, and most expansive self?
The essence of the Inner Cheerleader is simply to notice what makes you feel happy or satisfied, what brings pleasure or peace. Most of us don’t pause long enough at that feeling of satisfaction, since we are always rushing to get through our never-ending to-do list. But pausing to notice the good is powerful and necessary self-validation, and a shift in our mindframe, so we can filter in the good and let it rejuvenate us.
Give yourself praise.
Notice what went well.
Pause to soak in the fuzzy feelings.
Remember the joys of the days.
Give yourself grace for mistakes.
Practice self-compassion.
Enjoy whatever you’re doing/choosing.
Love yourself well.
External validation is wonderful to receive (and we could all affirm each other more) but it cannot replace self-soothing and self-security. This is your chance to slow things down to unlearn what you’ve been doing (or have inherited over generations) and to start a fresh legacy of self-loving dignity.
So try this on.
I’m doing enough.
I’m good enough.
I love enough.
I AM enough.
<add your own>
Try saying that, thinking that, repeating that, practicing that, feeling that. Write in your own version. Shout it out. And if you’re tentatively whispering it to yourself in secret, that’s okay too. The invitation simply is to include yourself as equally worthy as others, with all of our mistakes and imperfections, to love ourselves wholly. To celebrate our successes, our joys, our efforts, even when we fail. We all deserve second chances, healing, our own time and attention, patience and our own curiosity. We are as whole and human as everyone we love, and everyone we don’t know.